I just graduated a married couple from therapy who have been seeing me for about half a year. They are great folks, and I have really enjoyed working with them, but when they first came in to therapy, things did not look rosy by any means.
In our first session, they were cold, aloof, and ready to fight. I asked them how close to divorce they were, and they responded that they were already 80-90% divorced. They had major issues, and were pretty convinced that they needed to work out some kind of solution to those issues specifically.
Well, instead of focusing on what was wrong with their marriage, we focused on what was right. Instead of letting them duke it out in my office every week, I made them be nice to each other.
And as it turns out, nice works. The couple reported today that they feel that the original issues are no longer a cause of concern. They are simply not worried about it anymore. They reported that they are more understanding, more patient, and more appreciative of one another, and feel less burdened by one another's shortcomings. Long story short: they don't need me anymore.
It is one of the best feelings I have ever had to help someone to the point that they no longer need your help. It is an even better feeling to know that they don't need my help because they have mastered the most powerful marriage therapy technique of all: being nice to each other.
So hooray for nice. It is almost like Jesus knew what he was talking about when He told us to love one another as He has loved us.
Thursday, August 20, 2009
Sunday, August 9, 2009
The Sadness of Being Anti
In a little less than three weeks from now, Dana's parents are coming into town from Germany. Since we live in Denver now, that places us a lot closer to some of the LDS historical sites in Nauvoo and Kirtland, so we decided to swing up that way so they can see the sights. It will be a first for me and Dana as well. And, just to sweeten the pot, my brother Jesse and his wife Wendy live in Chicago, so it is as close to a travel hat-trick as you can get.
Anyway, the last few weeks have been witness to a lot of planning and replanning of our trip itinerary, and hotel reservations, and I have been reading a lot of reviews on hotels and restaurants and such. Among those reviews I stumbled upon more than a few reviews that had nothing to do with hotels or restaurants, but rather were reviews of Nauvoo as a city, and more specifically, reviews of Mormon culture and history.
Most of them were instantly recognizable as being beligerent, argumentative and abashedly one-sided, anti-Mormon propaganda, so I didn't read them beyond their first paragraph. Others, however, were intelligently written, and objective enough to be considered at least fair and honest, even though they were still admittedly anti-Mormon. Those I read out of curiosity, but they still left me flat, and had nothing new or compelling to say.
But all of them left me feeling something in common: sadness. I can hardly think of anything that is more melancholy than being 'anti-something.' Being anti-X is nothing more than telling people what you are not. An anti-Mormon is clearly not a fan of Mormonism, but we know nothing about what he is for. Of all the possible causes to support, we have no more information than one of the causes that he is against. The assumption could be that he is diametrically opposed to Mormonism, and in support of whatever the diametric opposite of Mormonism is, but that entire assumption is uncertain, and a dynamic and versatile concept like Mormonism cannot have a diametric opposite in the first place.
So these 'anti-X'ers spend hours of time writing down what they do not like about X, but precious little time writing about what they do like about Y. We know nothing about them and who they are. Simply what they are not. That would be akin to me writing an Antibiography in which I relate several impassioned stories that are not about me, and talk at length about the hopes and dreams I have never had.
And that is what makes me sad. Where are the stories of who these people are? I am not interested in what they do not do or what they do not believe in. It would be far more compelling, as far as I am concerned, if they would actually come out and say "I am an anti-Xer. But that is boring, so let me tell you why I am a pro-Yer" If a person tells you who they are, you have the option to relate and understand them on a human level. But if all they tell you is who they are not, then you are no closer to relating to them and understanding them than if they spoke to you in Martian.
I have no problem with their beliefs, no matter what they are. They are free to believe anything in the world they want, and are free to express those beliefs until the last of the cows comes home. But it is sad that they are so caught up in telling the world what they don't believe. And so, they never really express themselves after all.
Anyway, the last few weeks have been witness to a lot of planning and replanning of our trip itinerary, and hotel reservations, and I have been reading a lot of reviews on hotels and restaurants and such. Among those reviews I stumbled upon more than a few reviews that had nothing to do with hotels or restaurants, but rather were reviews of Nauvoo as a city, and more specifically, reviews of Mormon culture and history.
Most of them were instantly recognizable as being beligerent, argumentative and abashedly one-sided, anti-Mormon propaganda, so I didn't read them beyond their first paragraph. Others, however, were intelligently written, and objective enough to be considered at least fair and honest, even though they were still admittedly anti-Mormon. Those I read out of curiosity, but they still left me flat, and had nothing new or compelling to say.
But all of them left me feeling something in common: sadness. I can hardly think of anything that is more melancholy than being 'anti-something.' Being anti-X is nothing more than telling people what you are not. An anti-Mormon is clearly not a fan of Mormonism, but we know nothing about what he is for. Of all the possible causes to support, we have no more information than one of the causes that he is against. The assumption could be that he is diametrically opposed to Mormonism, and in support of whatever the diametric opposite of Mormonism is, but that entire assumption is uncertain, and a dynamic and versatile concept like Mormonism cannot have a diametric opposite in the first place.
So these 'anti-X'ers spend hours of time writing down what they do not like about X, but precious little time writing about what they do like about Y. We know nothing about them and who they are. Simply what they are not. That would be akin to me writing an Antibiography in which I relate several impassioned stories that are not about me, and talk at length about the hopes and dreams I have never had.
And that is what makes me sad. Where are the stories of who these people are? I am not interested in what they do not do or what they do not believe in. It would be far more compelling, as far as I am concerned, if they would actually come out and say "I am an anti-Xer. But that is boring, so let me tell you why I am a pro-Yer" If a person tells you who they are, you have the option to relate and understand them on a human level. But if all they tell you is who they are not, then you are no closer to relating to them and understanding them than if they spoke to you in Martian.
I have no problem with their beliefs, no matter what they are. They are free to believe anything in the world they want, and are free to express those beliefs until the last of the cows comes home. But it is sad that they are so caught up in telling the world what they don't believe. And so, they never really express themselves after all.
Friday, August 7, 2009
Decline of '09 and God Bless Our Troops
There are a few reasons for this post. The first is to simply publish my new name for the economic mess we are in. I am calling it: The Decline of '09.
There. Now, if anyone uses that phrase who has not published it before this blog hits the ether will owe homage and allegiance to me. OK, so maybe not allegiance, but at least homage. And royalties. 10% sounds about right. Call my lawyer.
Something completely different that has been on my mind is this whole "God Bless Our Troops" thing. Bumperstickers abound that contain some version of this sentiment. I saw one today that said "God Bless Our Troops. Especially Our Snipers." When I saw that I thought, "What a wierd thing to wish for." And then I started thinking about how it was meant. The obvious and ugliest meaning is the "Bless them that they can kill a lot of our enemies from far away without being noticed so they can come back home safe." To me, that doesn't seem like something God would be particularly fond of, since the poor sap at the business end of the .50 is one of His children, too.
Another meaning I thought of was "Bless them so that they will be safe, since my son is a sniper and I don't want him to die." This version seems to be more allong the lines of what God might be interested in, since it is about saving life, rather than taking it. However, the sniper in question is at war, and is out to kill other people, so in a larger sense, him getting killed is (while tragic) only fair. You can hardly be a soldier who does his job and expect the soldiers on the other side to not do theirs, now can you?
The last meaning I thought of was this one, but I doubt highly that this is what the author of the bumper sticker meant: "Bless our snipers so that they won't be able to find any enemies to kill from any kind of distance, since all of the enemy soldiers will have laid their weapons down and made peace so that we don't have to kill anyone anymore so everyone can go home to their families and live happy, peaceful, productive lives." Now that is a sentiment I think God would be completely on board with.
I would like to think that is what the bumper sticker really meant option 3, but I doubt it. It makes me sad to think that people feel so self-righteous in their own causes as to think that God is only on their side as to be opposed to His children on the other side (like when BYU fans pray for a win over Notre Dame or U of U). Any one who knows anything about God surely must admit that He has a vested interest in the happiness and prosperity of all of his children. Our wars, our fights, our inability to live peacefully with each other, can be nothing more than sources of heartache and sorrow for Him.
If God were to miraculously intervene in the lives of the soldiers of the world, I think He would do so by making them all unneccessary. The world would be at peace, the only side to take would be His, and hurting anyone for any reason would be seen as treason against one's self.
Sadly, we aren't there. Not even close. So we need our snipers to keep ourselves safe, and there are people in the world who have avowed to never stop killing Americans. I do hope that our boys get home safe. And if I am completely honest, I hope they kill a lot of Taliban and Al'Qaida fighters from a long distance and get home safely. But that is not my godly side. That is quite definitely my worldly side. It try to make sure I know the difference between the two.
There. Now, if anyone uses that phrase who has not published it before this blog hits the ether will owe homage and allegiance to me. OK, so maybe not allegiance, but at least homage. And royalties. 10% sounds about right. Call my lawyer.
Something completely different that has been on my mind is this whole "God Bless Our Troops" thing. Bumperstickers abound that contain some version of this sentiment. I saw one today that said "God Bless Our Troops. Especially Our Snipers." When I saw that I thought, "What a wierd thing to wish for." And then I started thinking about how it was meant. The obvious and ugliest meaning is the "Bless them that they can kill a lot of our enemies from far away without being noticed so they can come back home safe." To me, that doesn't seem like something God would be particularly fond of, since the poor sap at the business end of the .50 is one of His children, too.
Another meaning I thought of was "Bless them so that they will be safe, since my son is a sniper and I don't want him to die." This version seems to be more allong the lines of what God might be interested in, since it is about saving life, rather than taking it. However, the sniper in question is at war, and is out to kill other people, so in a larger sense, him getting killed is (while tragic) only fair. You can hardly be a soldier who does his job and expect the soldiers on the other side to not do theirs, now can you?
The last meaning I thought of was this one, but I doubt highly that this is what the author of the bumper sticker meant: "Bless our snipers so that they won't be able to find any enemies to kill from any kind of distance, since all of the enemy soldiers will have laid their weapons down and made peace so that we don't have to kill anyone anymore so everyone can go home to their families and live happy, peaceful, productive lives." Now that is a sentiment I think God would be completely on board with.
I would like to think that is what the bumper sticker really meant option 3, but I doubt it. It makes me sad to think that people feel so self-righteous in their own causes as to think that God is only on their side as to be opposed to His children on the other side (like when BYU fans pray for a win over Notre Dame or U of U). Any one who knows anything about God surely must admit that He has a vested interest in the happiness and prosperity of all of his children. Our wars, our fights, our inability to live peacefully with each other, can be nothing more than sources of heartache and sorrow for Him.
If God were to miraculously intervene in the lives of the soldiers of the world, I think He would do so by making them all unneccessary. The world would be at peace, the only side to take would be His, and hurting anyone for any reason would be seen as treason against one's self.
Sadly, we aren't there. Not even close. So we need our snipers to keep ourselves safe, and there are people in the world who have avowed to never stop killing Americans. I do hope that our boys get home safe. And if I am completely honest, I hope they kill a lot of Taliban and Al'Qaida fighters from a long distance and get home safely. But that is not my godly side. That is quite definitely my worldly side. It try to make sure I know the difference between the two.
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