In my crosshairs today: TV commercials that are not only stupid, but which insult the collective intelligence of their audiences.
I have several complaints about commercials. In fact, I have a LOT of complaints about commercials. Here are a few of them:
Volume: It is completely ridiculous that TV commercials are broadcast at 10 or more decibels louder than the program they are sponsoring. How on earth is this kind of crap not illegal? Sometimes, I will be watching a dramatic movie that is using volume to build suspense (AKA, it is quiet), so I have to turn up the volume so as to hear the TV above the dog and bird. It is some kind of hide-and-seek scene, and the hero has cleverly secreted himself behind some rafters, but it is hot, and sweat is dripping down his nose, threatening to betray him with the sound of a single water drop. The music pulses slowly like a heart-beat, and you see the bad-guys slow, stalking footsteps as he comes around the final corner . . . and then:
I ALWAYS THOUGHT MY CONSTIPATION WAS 'CUZ I EAT A POUND OF CHEESE AT EVERY MEAL, BUT MY DOCTOR TOLD ME THAT I JUST NEED TO TAKE ONE CONSTIGONE TABLET A DAY, AND NOW I CAN POOP LIKE I HAVE AMOEBIC DYSENTERY!
AAAAaaaarrrrggh! Not only are the commercials loud, but they are ridiculous, which totally kills my movie buzz, and which also leads me to my next point - Pharmaceutical adds should be more tightly regulated.
Let me explain. I think it should be illegal to run a commercial for any pharamceutical wherein the list of adverse side effects is longer than the list of positive effects. Have you seen these ads? It is like this: "Constigone tablets, when taken with a diet rich in fiber and water and wood pulp, have been shown to reduce constipation in 3% of participants in a double-blind study. Results are not typical. Participants also reported experiencing vomiting, nausea, head aches, numbness of the tongue and scalp, vertigo, psychosis, growth of additional limbs and skin discoloration. Constigone is known by the State of California to cause cancer and Republicanism. So ask your doctor if Constigone might be right for you!"
Yeah -- FAIL.
OK, so the last one is the one that bugs me the most, and is also the most ubiquitous. It is the almost-statement, or the near-claim. Not only are these annoying, but they are insulting, and could only be intended to play upon the perceived stupidity of the purchasing public. Let me give you an example. There is an ad running right now for a car. Let's call it the Niceson Impressive. The whole ad is based on the premise that a competing car company, Boy-Yoda doesn't have a comparable car in the same price range. So basically, the Impressive is compared to something that doesn't exist. The question I am left asking is this: what kind of crap-log is this car, that it has to be compared to nothingness in order to compare positively?
And then there is this one: the "5 times better" non-claim. They appear in commercials like this: "Our new line of Constigone works 5 times better, with fewer side effects!"
Sounds good right? Well, not to me.
I am left asking - 5 times better than what, precisely? Fewer side effects than what? It sounds like they are making a big claim, but they are saying precisely nothing.
It would be like me advertising myself like this: "Try the new and improved Dan, now 5 times stronger and 100% taller!" I can get away with it, because I am only claiming to be 5 times stronger than my Beagle, and 100% taller than a 3'1" tall child. You have to read the small print, which is written in nanites on the bottom of the screen for a nanosecond.
So yeah, that is what I hate about commercials. At least some of the things I hate about commercials. So how do I strike back? I make a point to remember which items have the worst ads, and I boycott them. Forever. Take THAT, Oxyclean!
1 comment:
But Oxiclean is soooo good. Don't you want clean stuff?
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